Forgiveness

After we lifted the couch, I sat staring at the indentations left in the carpet. These big long strips of flattened fibers and a few half inch deep divots left behind from where it had sat for 15 years. I played with the carpet fibers rubbing them back and forth trying to spring them back into place as I listened to my guy behind me, “I heard if you put an ice cube on the depressions, it could help spring the fibers back.”

And that’s when I reached for my phone and snapped the picture.

”It’s just like life.” I heard myself saying inside.

This visual reminder of what it’s like when we have carried the weight of anything too long leaving these same similar depression marks on our soul, a similar depression line or hole in our spirit, changing every fiber of our being.

As I listened to him, I kept wondering “If we jumped in a cold shower or a cold ocean would that help us fluff our own fibers back into place then? Removing the depressions and filling up the spaces making us all fluffy again?”

That’s all I could think about the rest of the day.

We carry these “little” things around with us that have been heavy. We have tried to let go, tried not to obsess over it, tried to understand more, give people grace, but we still have these marks deep inside and when it’s most noticeable is when we are triggered and realize we’re still “holding” on.

Forgiveness.

This 11 letter word that is so powerful.

A powerful word to say.

Powerful to give.

Powerful to accept.

Powerful to feel.

And……

Powerful NOT to feel, to accept, or give.

We hear it all the time “We forgive someone not for them, or to excuse their behavior, we forgive someone for ourselves, to be able to heal.” 

I would like to think the majority of us try and live a life where we don’t need to ask for forgiveness or have to forgive someone. We try and live an authentic, honest, open life and we try not to hurt people.

Intentionally or unintentionally.

And yet, because we’ve never been human before, we make mistakes, we make bad decisions, we accidentally overstep, have been provoked, heard things that weren’t said, and/or said something without knowing it was going to hurt someone. We may even have people in our lives saying and doing something with complete intention, knowing it would absolutely hurt someone. And then the times we’re just minding our own business and something happens that completely derails us. A tragedy, loss, or event that unexpectedly hurts us causing the disturbance inside to come in waves, grabbing our attention, sometimes lasting minutes, days, months, or sadly, years.

When we have inner turmoil with someone or a situation it’s hard to forgive. When we can’t make sense of a situation; a rejection, betrayal, lie, mistake intentional or not, especially from someone that “loves us” is even more painful. Those words that are spoken with venom without thought, without filtering, those words said in anger or self loathing projected on to someone else, those defining moments in our life where a veil has been lifted, the dagger has been thrown and yet the wound is invisible to the naked eye.

We walk around hurting.

We don’t use a cane or have a bandage on that let people know we are hurt, we just walk around looking like everyone else but the scabs and scars are there and then when triggered, can reappear as an oozing gaping wound again. A wound you thought you had already healed.

Maybe not though.

Maybe some of us don’t waste time in discontentment. Some may say “Feel it, feel it all for 90 seconds and then, be done with it.” We ask ourselves, “Is it worth getting this upset over?” But what happens when you can’t control it. When we say “I can’t help how I feel.” “How come I keep letting this get to me?” “I can’t forgive them.” Or  worse, “I can’t KEEP forgiving them.”

Forgiveness.

If you’re struggling right now in your life over this powerful word, you my friend, are not alone. If it has taken up too much of your headspace, if you’re tired of thinking about it but can’t get your mind to STOP thinking about it, I feel you. If you follow the inner dialogue and you just cannot stop obsessing about a sentence, an action, a moment that stung you, I get it. Totally.

I wish I was writing words today that could make us all forgive effortlessly. Words that could guide us to a path of peace, joy and contentment.

However, I don’t think I have them for you today, for I too am trying.

And although I may not have the words for us, what I do have, is hope, faith and a will inside of me, to let go. 

December is a month all about forgiveness.

Faith

Hope

Forgiveness

Peace

Joy

Gratitide

and a Thankful, Loving Spirit.

All these words are what this month is about.

I’m grateful because at my core, I have a naturally forgiving spirit. I try and understand myself and in turn spend way to much time trying to understand other people’s words, actions and behavior. My forgiveness “list” is very small but, it’s there. So, if you too have been holding something too long, something that has been weighing you down leaving these unseen depressions on your fibers, I encourage you to find a way to fluff them up once and for all. 

The best gift we could put under that tree this year, doesn’t come in a box.

Forgiveness is the best gift we can give someone. 

Maybe even to ourselves.