Loveache

“Agape”

“Amor”

“Ser”

“Liebe”

And for us…

“Love”

Have you ever loved someone so much it almost hurt?

I’ve felt it a few times.

It’s an ache that’s indescribable.

It’s a love so deep, you didn’t even know you were capable of feeling it. 

You were probably walking around your whole life saying “I love you, I love you” truly feeling like you meant it, until one day it strikes and it’s euphoric warmth radiates inside, making me right now, want to try and use every word in the human language to describe it, knowing all along, I’ll never find the words to express it.

It may be impossible to describe something you may simply, just have to feel.

JLo, you know, Jenny from the block?! Fly girl?! I heard her once say “I feel everything! I’m like a raw nerve walking around” as she clenched her fists right to her heart, leaned forward as if showing us with her entire body, expressing it even more for us to reallllly feeeeeel herrrrrr (as I am now, with my exaggerated spelling) and mannnn, I did. I sat there beside myself. She, this beautiful angel (to me) filled with music, dance and rhythm described what I’ve felt my whole life, but couldn’t describe it. I do though, I feel everything like a raw nerve. I even make that exact same move, but I’ll bend a knee to my chest and hunch over (if I’m standing) to really try and express myself in some kind of uncontrollable gesture, because I’m feeling it as I’m trying to expresssss it! It’s intense, yet, I don’t know how to be any other way.

When you feel like this though, when you really feeeeel what people are describing or what you’re seeing or hearing you have to almost brace yourself for other people’s stories because you’re going to be all in, as if it’s happening to you. That’s a good thing and a bad thing, only because you have to remind yourself that it’s their story.  It’s not physically happening to me, (to you) personally, but I’m so in and invested it may on some level feel like it is, which I believe is the definition of the word, empathy.

I’ve heard mothers describe their child’s birth and listened to them try an express a love that I believe, you, we, may relate to, even if we’re NOT parents. I understand that intense feeling. “That kind of love” although, I’m not a mother. I’ve even been told “You don’t understand you’re not a parent.” But yet, I’ve sat and cried with so many parents over their kids achievements, setbacks, diagnosis, fight for their lives (to which some have won and some have lost) and I felt it. I felt it all. But how could I? How could I truly understand? I guess maybe I can only really understand compassion then? Or have empathy (to the 10,000th degree) because I truly won’t ever know what that feels like? And ya know, I’m totally ok with that because I would never, ever, ever be able to manage, handle, live everyday with “that kind of love” that “loveachepainliveanddiefor” love, more then I already do. 

But here’s the thing, I truly can come close to imagining that.

I’ve been blessed enough to be an Aunt, to an amazing niece, who is already an awesome woman just finishing her first year of college. I understand the “How did we get here? Wasn’t it just five minutes ago she figured out how to crawl?” That fun moment of her understanding how to get her little diaper motorbutt going? The kind of love when I see her, it’s almost painful. Like die from cuteness painful. I imagine if I feel this kind of intense loveachepainlove for my niece, that I don’t think I could handle much more of that kind of emotion. That intense, beautiful and indescribable love that I’m thankful every day for. From our inside jokes from years past, to new ones we make now, from awesome car ride chickchats we’ve had since she was little, to just sitting together at the beach or pool side, not even maybe saying a word, it fills my love tank up.

It’s a gift to be an Aunt, I think.

My Uncle Gary, growing up, he set the tone. The things we did were memorable and when I became an aunt, I heard myself saying inside, “I’m going to be like Uncle Gary was with me.” And we are, but we’ve made it our own and it happened organically. We crack each other up, we sit and have tea together as we “spill the tea” together. She’ll tell you she likes to keep things simple and finds ways to simplify her life all the time and it’s inspiring and I laugh because I was delusional thinking I was going to be this and that for her, and show her this and that, and talk about this and that, but honestly, she’s the leader here. She’s the one everyday leading by example at 19. 

So here’s to loving deeply and doing it over and over and over again because, well, we’re human and I’m not sure we can control that kind of emotion, at least to me it doesn’t seem possible.

To me, it actually seems magical.

Special Side Note: Happy Birthday to my sweet niece turning  19 this week, who I’m sure if she hears how much we look alike one more time from someone, she may just give you a blank stare. 🤣🤣 While I on the other hand, will be basking in it.