Figuring

There it was again. That familiar sentence I’ve heard myself say all my life. “You’ll figure it out” talking to myself in the third party. I don’t even remember what I was even thinking about at the time, because that sentence did that familiar thing my internal dialogue sometimes does. It became an echo.

“You’ll figure it out, figure it out, figure it out.”

In that moment, I suddenly realized I’ve been saying this to myself the majority of my life. That sentence has been repeated so many times in “my story” and I wasn’t even aware of it, until having lunch with a friend the other day. In the middle of a conversation she said something that sparked it and I looked at her and said something like “I think I’ve spent way too much time trying to figuring things out.” I continued, “I jusssst want to stop trying to figure things out, and just….” And finishing my sentence with me, “And just live” she said. We may have teared up a minute, or I may have, with the profound realization you get when you realize you’ve done something your ENTIRE life that you weren’t even AWARE you were doing.

My thinking brain completely switched on at that point, and then the whirlwind of thoughts that followed…..

“I gotta’ figure it out” and “I’ll figure it out” when did those sentences start? Why did they start?!

The more I have thought about this sentence, the more I’m convinced it may have come from my brother. Because sometimes when I hear it, I hear it in his voice. Maybe it’s because I have distinct memories of him tying my sneakers for me before I learned how to. “How do you do that?!” Amazed that he mastered this puzzle. I clearly, still to this day, remember his laugh as he smiled and said “You’ll figure it out.” The same sentence he said to me when he was trying to teach me how to drop a Sunday Newspaper in between the screen door, and the main door, of his customers homes back in the 70’s when he had his paper route. I think he had about 125 customers on his route he had to walk everyday, and Sunday’s papers were thicker because of all the flyers. Over and over again he showed me, making it look effortless, how to make the drop as I followed along continuing to try and “figure it out.” How many I dropped at the wrong time and all the coupons and inserts would spill out of their door?! So many, until he was right. The very last house I helped with that day, was the ONLY house that had their paper in pristine condition when they opened the door that morning because I did actually, finally, figure it out. “You’ll figure it out” came again, when he was placing my hands on the football laces as he tried to teach me how to throw a spiral. So many times growing up his voice “You’ll figure it out.”

Somehow, somewhere along the line, I turned that sentence into “I’ve GOT to figure it out.” without even being aware of it.

High School Graduation, “What am I going to do next?! College? Is that for me? How am going to earn a living, support myself?! How do I figure that out?” Then as I got older “How am I going to afford an apartment, a car, and insurance.” “I’ve gotta figure it out” began to sound off. “How do I manage my finances, balance work and home? How do I plan for retirement, is that even possible?!” And then again “How do I maintain my weight and gain more muscle, manage my diet?! How do I………”

Fill in the blank.

Then it became, “Maybe if I figure myself out first then I’ll figure everything else out. Who am I!? What defines me? What are my values? Morales? Do I have any? Why are they important? What makes me, me?! What are my triggers that send me spiraling? How do I figure out how to be myself and, be comfortable in my own skin.”

This has been my ENTIRE LIFETIME for me!!

A lifetime of figuring myself out.

Figuring out how to be emotionally available, when I feel emotionally tapped out. Figuring out what it takes to motivate me. Figuring out how to manage my finances, my family life, my relationships, and friendships. Figuring out God, and what that means to me. (“Funny” sentence I know, because how do you try and figure out an all present, omnipresent God, that our brains can’t even begin to fathom this almighty presence to begin with) but, figuring out my relationship with Him, his Son and the Holy Spirit, and his Angels, and well, let’s keep going and try and figure all that out too. Oh, and how about panic attacks and anxiety!? Let’s try and now figure that out and what it stems from, and then figure out how to live with it. Figuring out myself, my quirks, my unsavory qualities, and turning them around into savoring qualities? Let’s figure it all out. (Who puts this kind of pressure on themselves on the daily, by the hour, by the minute?! Hi! Hi ya’ doing, I do.)

This list of “figuring things out” in my life seems to be completely endless and truth be fuggen told, I feel no closer now to figuring these things out, then I did 30 years ago.

And, THAT. That thought right there, is the one that woke me up from my story. The inner dialogue I hear on the daily, and became a beacon of light. A light I never even knew I needed.

“Am I any closer to figuring any of this out?”

All this time? All this time I’ve spent trying to figure out my life and quite honestly I don’t think I’m any closer then I was at 22 then I am at 52.

And that thought made me shiver. It was a gradual progression of this my entire life, but all of a sudden it felt abrupt. “Have I been trying to figure life out the entire time? Have I wasted time with the figuring?”

I know the job of the Brain is to think. It’s what it’s job is. In the same sense how our heart pumps blood doing it’s job. Our Brain?! To think. It’s OUR job however, not to follow every thought our brain thinks, because honestly, some thoughts are completely intrusive and unimaginable that I could even think of them. For instance, let’s just say when I see a bumper sticker in the opposition and I let it bother me. It pokes me enough to get my brain to kick in and it begins, “What in sweet hell is this? What the hell kinda’ person are you!” and then my brain continues to then take me down disturbing day dreams. Not all the time, but sometimes. It might even continue to take me to an image of me slamming my car into yours over and over again, because I let you provoke me, and now I’m trying to figure out why my brain thinks these horrible thoughts when the core of me is Love, Good, Kind, Compassionate, Patient, and Empathetic. These are words I personally would use to try and describe some of my best qualities, IF someone was asking. I can also rattle of a much longer list for you of all the unsavory qualities I have, and “figuring life out” is probably NOW one of them.

I’ve been trying to retrain my brain on many different thoughts and as of lately, I’m constantly reminding myself to LIVE my life.

I’ll figure things out as I need to, life doesn’t have to feel like a problem I’m trying to solve. It’s not an exam I have to pass or fail. It’s an experience I’m suppose to be having. Not trying to constantly figure it out.

I’m diving into 2022 with the one word “Be” to focus on this year, instead of “Figure” in my vocabulary. I would like to try and BE this year. Maybe to Be more present. Maybe to finally realize I have figured a few things out and I can let go of the chase. To maybe just BE living and content with the things I have sorta’ kinda’ figured out. To Be more gentle with myself and to those in my life. I would like to learn how to just Be with you, then be figuring out how to be when I am with you. (Grand idea here, how about just being myself?! But see, I’m still figuring that out.)

So, I guess now I’ll head into 2022 trying to “figure out” how to just Be.

Wish me luck.

Special Thanks To: Sandra Frazzetta for so many great lunches and great conversations. Scott Devine for having such patience with a younger sister through his lifetime. Sean Reagan for being understanding with my amateur writing skills with grammar and punctuation issues in almost every blog. But I don’t do this for a living yet…I’ll figure it out. 😉

Side Note: I am realizing I’m a decent human being contributing to society where I can and hopefully leaving a good footprint along the way..it’s just taken me a while to figure that out too.