Rose Bush

Have I become completely self absorbed? Or am I just in a constant state of Self Reflection? 

After much contemplation of this exact sentence, I have finally decided it is actually a healthy form of Self Reflection.  

The year I turned 27 I specifically remember saying to myself “By the time I turn 30 I’m going to be this amazing woman.” I wanted to walk into a room with a peace about me that emanated out. A peace about me that made people feel comfortable, made them feel relaxed and someone they could be their authentic selves with. A peace that could touch and heal everyone because I myself, will be at peace.” 

Or something close to that……

I was convinced by the time I turned 30 my confidence would be unstoppable, I would have this natural rhythm to my life, I would flow with my life because I was beginning to see that worrying, planning and trying to control everything never worked.  I was convinced my life experiences were already full of wisdom and would keep bringing me this knowledge that I would be able to share.  That I would be so on my path that the contentment I had about me, would be contagious. 

Well, 30 came and left and I sort of started laughing to myself as I turned 40 thinking “Man, I’m STILL trying to be this amazing woman I saw myself as all those years ago.”

Now approaching 50 this May, I started noticing that somewhere along the way I realized it’s not the number. It’s not 30 or 40 or by the time I’m any specific number. It’s  simply that I’m still growing. I’m still trying to be this person I have been envisioning myself becoming. Ironically, I think if anyone reading this knows me personally, I think some would actually say “You did it, when I leave you I’m left feeling lighter, more peaceful, happier.” Or “You’ve  been growing towards that the whole time.” Or “You are already amazing how much more amazing could you possibly want be?!”  Because I hang out with THE MOST awesome people!! They allow me to be my authentic self with no judgement. People who allow and encourage me to drop the F bomb for effect or for the hell of it.  Who allow me to explore deeper into the self and share the experiences without it sounding self absorbed because they themselves are still searching for their true authentic selves as well.  Or, friends that are so carefree they inspire me to be that way too. Friends that are faithfilled and walk their path sharing along the way or people that are driven in whatever they are passionate about and that’s just simply stimulating to be around.  These friends of mine can light a fire in my belly with a single sentence. People that are still growing and pushing themselves to be their best version of themselves not because they aren’t grateful for all they’ve already accomplished or are unhappy, but simply because they too just know there’s more inside themselves they haven’t even tapped into yet. 

I truly feel that there are pivoting people in my life that have helped me want to reach for this woman, this human being, I envision myself being.

From my beautiful neighbor and her family who lived diagonally across the street from my house when I was a little girl and watching her raise her kids as a single mom. Working hard to provide for them, and yet always, always, always making time for her daily run or bike ride.  Watching her fire up her tiny charcoal grill to throw some kielbasa on while sipping a Michelob Light on a Friday night.  She, for me, was the first pivoting person in my life. She inspired me. I admired her and now that I’m older, I’m so grateful for her as a role model and quite honestly feel like I’m a lot like her because I saw how independent she was and I thought she was so driven, so confident, so cool driving her blue Pinto with us in the back with some Simon and Garfunkel song playing as we all sang along.  Now that I’m older and able to see more clearly, I’m sure she was wondering every day if she was making the right decisions and doing the right things for her kids, for herself.  But, at the time, I began seeing her as nothing but a courageous woman. Someone I wanted to be like.

Changing careers close to 18 years ago and working mostly with women everyday has inspired me as well, because each one of these beautiful women some younger than me,  some older than me, all different sizes and races, and quite honestly, I feel like each and every one of these women have brought something to me, some quality I admired and adopted as my own. Deep conversations, heartfelt ones, tragic ones, happy and uplifting ones but most importantly, authentic ones. Authentic conversations that molded me and gave me new perspectives in my own life and life in general. 

So, as I sit here pondering (which we all know I could ponder pondering, it’s almost a sickness) and think of these women who have touched my spirit, my life, and formed me in some tiny way; a sentence, a faith filled moment, a thought, an inspiration, a rational thinker, an artists view, a chemists view, a teachers view, the one that has the gift of gab view, a literature PhD view, a six $$$$$$ figure women’s view, a mother’s view, a number of yogi’s views, Jewish, Catholic, Christian, everything under the sun we’ve shared or talked about, has molded me. 

This piece was named “The Rose Bush” for this exact reason. 

I feel like I’m now part of this Rose Bush.

We share this base and we make up this giant rose bush together and some buds are just forming and some just opening, some completely opened so much their petals drop off and they keep reinventing themselves with each new bloom and this cycle keeps happening. We live right next door to each other going through our own blooms and have an idea of what the other blooms are going through.  We don’t have to compete for sun or rain or shade trying to bloom better then the rose next to us, we just blossom into the best bloom our petals allow, all at our own pace and together we create this beautiful bush. We come back after every season we are in, every storm or adversity we had to overcome and every joy we have experienced and we grow bigger and more lush with each bloom.  And, like a rose, we have thorns that protect us and the entire bush from any disturbances that come our way.  This subtle, yet powerful armor we were made with to support and protect the entire bush.

That’s truly how I see us as women now. 

So, next time you’re taking a selfie with your girlfriends, I hope you think of yourselves as part of this rose bush. Each flower complementing the one next to it, each blooming in whichever direction the sun shines you to and you keep re-blooming through the seasons as the base supports you, each year getting a little fuller, bolder and more beautiful.

*Special Note: Thank You Sally Koslik, my beautiful neighbor on Pondfield Road. What would I have become without you?! You lead by example and I’m so very grateful.  

**Special Thanks to Alicia Dalpe for our walkn’ talk that somehow unlocked my first experience with “writer’s block” and where we captured this picture that day. 

***Special Special thanks to my guy for planting all the knockout roses around our house for me to gaze at and contemplate life, because I wasn’t doing that enough already?! 

#selfreflection#itsgoodtodo