I Thought

At first…

I thought the scariest thing was the virus. 

Then I thought not knowing when I would return to work felt a little scary.

Then I thought not seeing the people I love, in person, doing things together we love doing and going places we love going?! That felt a little scary.

Then I thought the panic attacks were scary, because they feel much different then everyday anxiety, coming more frequently, out of the blue and at a pace I’ve never had to deal with before.

Then the shingles out break I had two weeks ago felt scary. But see, when I realized the shingles outbreak meant my “immune system was now compromised” and the feeling of not wanting to leave my house? My yard? That day, that thought?! That felt a little scary.

Then when I started feeling better and began realizing I’d been out of work for 30 days and it actually only “felt” like just a long weekend?! That! That day, that thought?! That felt scary.

But, then when I began thinking this past month was actually a break for me and my industry and a break I NEVER, EVER, EVER IN MY LIFETIME WOULD HAVE TAKEN and how one day I would have to go back into society and actually work?! Well again, for me, that, that day, that moment?! Felt scary.

But ya’ know, none of it’s truly scary….

None of it!

What’s truly scary?

What’s truly scary, is when you’re cleaning a hall closet and your back is to the person who’s approaching you, but that person doesn’t know you’re in your own terrifying hell of a moment trying to suck up a giant, creepy, winged water bug or possible small monster with the vacuum cleaner that had JUST come darting out at you, ALREADY scaring the shi* out of you, at THE EXACT moment he “gently” touched your shoulder “trying not scare you!!”  to get your attention. 

Now that!! That right there?

I’m telling you right now…..

That was THE scariest thing that happened this month and that, that’s why we seriously need toilet paper stocked and back on the shelves because some of us are home scaring the 💩 out of each other. 

Side Note: He scared me and that reaction, scared him. Double scare same moment. True story.

Just To Be Clear: I completely understand logically what I’m suppose to be scared of and what I’m not. I even wrote two paragraphs for anyone reading this, to try and prove I understood it, but deleted it. It just sounded like I was trying to explain myself, like I am right now, but, if you want to read the deleted paragraphs on the difference between anxiety and panic attacks that didn’t make the cut, just send me a message.