Weave A Solution

There he was in the middle of the floor. Long legs, big body.

I hesitated thinking “Hmmm, do I call my guy for this?!” Because I’m not afraid to admit this, I’m the girl, where every once in a while, the feeling of being rescued or taken care of like that? Feels good to me. Some things are just too creepy, move too quickly and look bigger than they are. I also don’t like hurting or killing things and well, all the things that go with spiders or bugs I do find myself calling for him to take care of matters around the house like this.

But, I didn’t.

Instead of disturbing him from his comfortable spot on the couch upstairs, not even close to the vicinity I was in, I stood there contemplating my options. “I’ll cover it with a plastic container, tell him I got it under control and THEN he can take care of it.” And, just like you, as you’re reading this, right now, feeling what you’re feeling, I was feeling the exact same thing too!! “Oh this is ridiculous! Just take care of it yourself!” So, I grabbed the plastic container, covered it and without really even thinking, I walked right for a paper plate to slip under the container. Catch and release style. I fumbled a little, but some how managed to open the door from our kitchen to the garage where I could open the side door so I could set this little (and I use that word loosely) guy free.

The feeling rushed over me “Ahhhhhhh, no one was disturbed, no one had to die and now he’s back where he’s suppose to be, outside.”

I was almost content with myself and the decision. And I say almost, because the part I left out about this event and feel is extremely important to share is, as I opened the door from the kitchen to the garage and took one step forward, I walked directly into a spider web.

True story!!

 I think most of us have felt this feeling before and it’s an involuntary reaction your body wants to do when that happens. Your body WANTS to flair the arms about frantically, wipe your face, maybe even run in place for a second as you’re trying to untangle yourself, all the while feeling a little part of yourself slowly die inside.

But, I couldn’t.

I couldn’t react like that, because I was holding the spider on the plate covered and safe and didn’t want to drop him. So, I did what anyone would do. I just had to take it. I just had to walk right into it, feel the cobby-ness of it all as the strings hit me across my face and neck and if it was just 2 strings, it truly felt like 200. I was sure I was completely caught in it and another spider was going to be attacking me at any second as I barreled unknowingly through his webb. I somehow made it for the door and flung the spider free probably accidentally killing him then, because my body began to make the involuntary movements one would do after being caught like that in a spider web. I laughed at myself as I tried to pull my sh%# together shutting the door behind me, dropping the things I had in my hands to wipe my face, shake out my hair, wipe off my arms all the while having a freakout dance.

I waited until the next morning to tell my guy about the event. “Soooooo, the thing that happened last night that I didn’t tell you about?” He gently shook his head back and forth in that way he does with me when he can’t believe something I’m telling him, laughing with me as I shared the experience and as I got to the end,  I paused and said……

“How ironic, huh? The thing I was trying to set free, caught me.”

And there it was….

A sentence that echoed in my brain as if I was in a tunnel and suddenly, a light at the end of it flipped on. “That’s crazy, what did I just say?” I repeated it and ran across the room for the note pad thinking I was onto something. Being blocked from creativity for weeks, feeling no creative juice or desire to even BE creative, was starting to disturb me.

“Have I lost it?” I kept hearing on and off.

I had no inner whisper I sometimes hear. Nothing jumping out at me. Nothing grabbing my attention to drive that inner spark to write and I was missing it. But, if I was being completely honest with myself, part of me? Part of me didn’t. I didn’t miss the insecurity I felt as I kept writing and sharing.

I had wanted to over come feelings of “What if they hate it.” “What will they think of me if they do?” Anxiety and fear are interesting emotions and can be absolute liars to us, but they feel real. The whole idea behind me sharing my writing when I first began, was wanting it to be an exercise for me. Personal growth. Wanting to begin (finally begin) letting go of what people thought of me. “I don’t want to care if people love me or hate me” was something I had been trying to achieve my whole life. It bothers me inside if I’ve hurt someone or think I’ve hurt someone, disappointed someone, let someone down, or even simply looked at poorly because of something someone see’s in my character. But, come on, I mean we all know, including me, this is impossible to live a life like that. There are always going to be people that will be hurt or offended or create an opinion of us and we may always feel completely misunderstood.

So, where do we go from here?

We have to get to the place of authenticity.

Love me or hate me, I don’t care. (Trying to) I’m truly just trying to finally, undeniably, be my authentic self. And, my authentic self, at the core of me, is love. I want the best for everyone. I want us all to be living authentic, bold, brave, full lives and unapologetic for it. All that should matter to me is what I think of myself. How I feel looking in the mirror, with the reflection of not what I see staring back at me, but my character.

But, don’t we all want to have a good character? Don’t we all want to be thought of as having a good character?

But, somewhere along the way, it wasn’t me just saying anymore “Omgosh I cracked myself up the entire time I wrote this, maybe someone else will find it funny.” Looking to make just one other person laugh with me or make a deeper connection with, because that’s all I originally wanted to do with my blog. But, as I kept writing and sharing it started to become a little nerve wracking “Will anyone like this?” and yet, I wasn’t suppose to care. The exercise here for me and my personal growth, was to publish and not care. But here I was, waiting to see if other bloggers reacted, people I didn’t even know. And then even worse, what if the people I do know and know me, didn’t like it. “I hope they like it” became the fore front and in fact, the complete opposite of what I was originally going for.

I wanted to go back to the “I don’t care if they love me or hate me” feeling I had originally set the goal to. But, I got caught in the “Will they like it” mentality and then, “How does that reflect on me?”

“The thing I was trying to set free, caught me.”

And there it was, that sentence. The sentence that sparked this piece to be written.

The behavior or thought pattern of caring what people think, the thing that started as an exercise in me learning how NOT to care, had now doubled down and I was in the “caring too much” web.

Do we do that in our own lives? The thing we are trying to set free, catches us in a web and we get caught in patterns of behavior and can’t break free?!

I say, walk through the web.

Walk right through the web and don’t react.

Don’t try to wave your arms about breaking free right away. Walk through it clear to the other side of it and THEN completely loose your 💩.

But, feel it. 

Feel it and keep going. 

Untangle the patterns of behavior you’re tired of within yourself. It’s the only way to grow and as long as I’m alive I have to believe I’ll always be this way, because it’s automatic for me. “What am I suppose to learn from this?!” and “What’s the deeper meaning here?” Is always at the forefront for me.

I’d rather walk through the spider webs and come out with an epiphany of my life, then stop short and stay tangled in the web every time. I’d rather feel afraid and put myself out there, then not share something that may connect to one other person. 

It’s worth it, walk through the web.

Side Note: I like it, I like me (most of the time). Thats really all that matters, right?! 

Interesting Fact: Native Americans believe every animal brings a message to us when we need to to hear it. I just finished this piece on Wednesday and Thursday morning my clientfriend Liz came in talking about all the spiders she had seen this week. I laughed to myself saying “no coincidences”.  Listening to her reminded me to look up the symbolism of spiders and what they represent. Had she not brought up spiders to me, I’m not sure if I would have remembered to read about it. I’m so glad she did. Thanks girl, this is why we talk. ❤️👭

 Ya’ can’t make it up……

Spider Messages and Symbolism: In a creative rut? Feeling trapped? Are you in a delicate situation and need help finding firm footing on that tightrope? Spider as a Spirit, Totem, and Power Animal can help. Spider teaches you how to masterfully communicate your needs all while showing you how to weave a solution to challenges.