Rubber Band

It’s 5:03 Sunday morning. I’ve been laying here an hour after having to get up for something to drink. Now looking back, two things I wished happened. First, I wish I had remembered to bring the drink with me when I went to bed, and second, I don’t think I should have put the splash of lemonade in because I’m sure that isn’t helping.

Or…….

Or maybe, it’s the conversation I’m replaying in my head. The one where I start to dissect what I said or wished I had thought to say. Have you ever done this?! Replay a conversation? If you haven’t, I need you to write me immediately and explain to me how you managed to conquer this giant in your lifetime because I’m 51, and I’m still doing this. Or, maybe, maybe I’m lying here, wide awake, in the early morning hours, because a deep part of my soul is disturbed and maybe that even deeper yet spirit inside, is calling me to, and wants me to, nurture myself a little rather then lay here tormenting myself. The part of me that is extremely aware I am human. The part of me that knows I am more then all of this, these conversations, and everything we endure each day. The part of me that understands I’m in school every, single, day, because each day I swear I continue to learn something about myself, and that doesn’t mean it’s always good.

Lately, I keep hearing myself saying “What am I missing?” when I don’t understand.

I try not to overstep. I try not to be offensive. I also, believe it or not, try and keep my opinions to myself. Convincing myself no one really listens to each other any more anyway, they just want to say what they want to say, get mad and defensive at us if we don’t see it their way. I know we all know people like this, right?! (And again, please, write me immediately if you don’t, because you may be my new best friend.) But, see, if I keep my opinions to myself then I block myself off. I box myself in. I start to feel unauthentic, I get quiet, I begin to shut down, I avoid. I begin to become all the things I don’t want to be. But, if I voice my opinion, don’t listen to you, stop trying to understand you, give up on you, walk away from you because you’re exhausting and difficult, then sometimes that deep, deep soul part of me inside, the one that wakes me up at 4:00 “for something to drink” is maybe in reality that deeper part calling me to address it. The deeper part of me that knows I’m being rigid, stiff, unathentic “just to keep the peace.” But there isn’t any peace inside myself anyway so why not share my opinion. Why not try and listen and be articulate (TRY to be) with my words. Why not try and understand someone when they are hurt or mad or believe differently then I do. Why not try and sit right there in it, manage my emotion, and come to a place of that bullsh** line I hate so much (because it’s so damn true) but that stupid place of “We are going to just have to agree to disagree on this.” Isn’t that the saying?! But can we still love each other? Or do we put a wedge there?! (Am I the only one singing “Another brick in the wall” – Pink Floyd).

I don’t know when it began happening, maybe a little over a year ago, but about as soon as I start feeling that “I’m so outta’ my mind pissed off, I’m going to bite my dang tongue off, I can’t stand it” feeling, when I feel myself go from 0-100 (which is such a weird feeling, it doesn’t happen often but, eww when it does. Just eww.) But, when I’m on that ledge, I hear it. I begin to feel it from deep inside me. It’s almost a whisper “What am I missing? What am I suppose to learn? What is it I need clarity on?!” One time I heard “What are you afraid of” I’ve heard that whisper once and that was a “holyshitwhatdidijustsay?” moment.

The minute you start asking yourself these questions, you begin to soften. I begin to soften. I feel the search begin inside. All I can tell you is that when I’ve stayed tight and rigid, and steadfast in my pissed off-Ed-ness, I get disturbed inside. My inner world becomes like living on ground where there’s a fault line that sends tremors with each step I take. If I focus too much on the things I think I see or hear, I begin to fall prey to my perceptions. If I keep listening to the inner voice of “What am I suppose to learn here?” the growth spurts come. I soften, I’m not as rigid, I stretch a little and can look from different perspectives, try and see different angles (Sometimes, ok?! This doesn’t happen alllll the time. I’m human, I keep trying).

Maybe all of this being said, maybe it just comes down to the simple rubber band. When they’re brand new, they’re hard to even stretch at first. But then, with each use, it stretches a little. It’s got more give, you can support more things with it, keep things still tight, but it’s just softened, stretched, and a little easier to work with. Maybe if we were all more like rubber bands, and their original use, (not shooting them at each other) but, be able to stretch, flex, stay supportive, able to hold more together then the original form we came as, because over time, we become more flexible.

Maybe that deep inner whisper I hear or feel pulling on me is that Holy Spirit inside. Maybe that’s what the discontent moments in our life are meant to do for us. Maybe these moments are meant to wake us up because we are so frustrated we have to think way outside our normal parameters, and get us back to love. Which is truly the most important thing. “Love ourselves, love one another.” The basics of the Bible we have all heard.

How especially hard that is now with the election coming up. We see the flags and bumper stickers, signs, hats and shirts all for us to react like a headline coming at us. It challenges me as I sit at the light behind you, staring at your opinions. It’s hard NOT ramming my car into someone else’s because I can’t believe they support such nonsense. But, I try and be a kind, decent human being, so I don’t. But it does test me, and it makes me not like what I feel inside myself because I simply disagree with their view. It makes me mad at MYSELF that I have to constantly discipline my brain to stop thinking such horrible things about someone.

It makes me so confused how this deep inner whisper that is usually my grounding voice, is NOW wondering how someone can be so stupid, and is trying to get me to fire off a rubber band directly at their a**.

I am human after all.