0.0375mg

“Hey, would you mind reading the back of this box to me so I know how to do this later?!” I asked, as I continued unloading the dishwasher. I ONLY said this at that exact moment, because he was standing right in front of the box laying on the counter. I mean, looking back I think I asked him because….

A.) I figured we were both in this together anyway and…..

B.) I wanted to be sure I did it right.

“Apply 1 to skin twice a week.” I waited for his next sentence but, there wasn’t one. “That’s all it says?” I said with a smirk. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I thought there would be more than one sentence. “That’s it.” He said, opening the box and pulling out the thin square package about 2” x 2”. I stared at it thinking “Where do I put this thing?” My thoughts continued, “I don’t want it on my caboose where it’s going to be an eye sore for my guy (I’m already trying to keep that from looking like a train wreck) maybe my hip? Meh, maybe that will rub too much.” My thoughts interrupted…..”Maybe your butt?!” I hear from behind me, but he doesn’t know I’ve already canceled that out. “How about your shoulder maybe?! he continues trying to be helpful, “It says you have to find different locations for it.” “My shoulder!?” Hitting me like a wave I shuddered inside, “Babe this thing is going to be like 2” big and noticeable.” “How about over your mouth then?!” He says, making me laugh out loud as I fiddled to open the paper-thin packaging without tearing the square itself. “There’s gotta be an easier way.” He continues making me laugh, as I make my way to the bathroom for better lighting. “I know right? There’s gotta be, but I’m so afraid I’m going to tear it when I open it!!” and with that, “Wallah!!!” Package opened and the shock that came after, made my man leave the scene with a “Oh, Connie Devine” coming out of his mouth in disbelief as to what he had just witnessed.

I was shocked too.

The adhesive itself, that I thought would be so horrifyingly gigantic?! It ended up being 1/4” x 1/2” long AND transparent so you couldn’t even really tell it was on me. (Right side, lower abdomen was the final decision of its resting place for the first go).

I felt so ridiculous.

Completely ridiculous over what I thought this moment would be like and feel like, only to realize it was almost completely uneventful. I say almost, for two reasons…

1.) We did get a really good laugh over it.

2.) I only had three hot flashes the very next day.

Three.

I went from weeks and weeks of having 3, 4, or even five an HOUR, to not even 24 hours after having this patch in place, having 3 the very next day. And, three completely different ones. I literally just felt warm. I went from dripping sweat, like I didn’t even know that was possible that could even happen to someone, to just warm for a minute. Looking back, I wish I had talked about going through “The Change” with my doctor sooner. But honestly, I think a part of me thought it wasn’t going to happen to me. I remember thinking in my 30’s and 40’s on and off about it. “I work out, I do yoga, I do breathing exercises. It won’t happen to me.” I truly think, that I thought, that I would skirt through my 50’s and never feel any of it. Like why? Why though? What would make me think that? (The word you’re looking for here is DENIAL) I’m a woman, we all have to go through this. Just like we all have to begin it.

Two years of dealing with panic attacks, and in four days of this patch on, I’ve felt an inner calm I haven’t felt in a while. Because, see, I’ve “not been myself” for a while. As a girl in general, I have to tell you, sometimes we don’t always pick up on our bodies right away. We’re use to being a little “off” during the month. A little achey, tired, lacking energy, hot, cold, in some kind of pain or discomfort, exhausted but can’t sleep. So ya’ see for women, for us, it’s sometimes hard to know when something really is a miss inside. We dismiss pain and discomfort as “I don’t think that’s anything to worry about.” When we start to feel tired we think “I’m just over doing it, I just need more sleep, more water, more workouts.” We dismiss, work through, work-out through, and push some more, every day, day after day and I guess I’m finally asking myself why?

I ask US why?

Why do we go into denial? Why do we dismiss, ignore, and push harder? Fear? Uncertainty? Change? The unknown.

I’m 52 and I’m so on point for menapause it’s text book material. But not once, was I admitting to myself that I may be going through it. Not until the flashes and night sweats came and never stopped. Until the sadness and grief inside was overwhelming. Until I sat sobbing in my therapists office, grieving openly about my youth leaving and where did it go?! After sobbing at my OBGYN office hearing her say “Just take your time” as she let me cry with her arms around me, as I choked the words out “I’m not good!”

They let me.

They let me grieve openly with them. Two strangers basically. But, in front of my own friends and family and loved ones?! I push it down, down, down. “I shouldn’t feel this way, I’m healthy no one cares, everyone goes through this, they won’t understand, I don’t want to cry in front of them.” And on and on and on, all because a part of me is afraid to let myself be this kind of vulnerable about this, in front of them. I feel like it’s fast. “I’m not ready! I’m too young!!! This isn’t suppose to happen yet.” But, here I am and it’s not by choice. It’s by nature. A season ending. Nature taking us through these seasons of our life. I’m in a different season and one I’ve NEVER been in before. One I’ve seen others in, and some not doing well. Some coasting through, and some pushing and trying so hard to cling to their youth with nutrition, injections, fillers, lifts, implants, lotions, personal trainers, hormone replacement therapy, and the list goes on. We’ll do anything to cling to what we’ve known, yet that would be like a leaf clinging to its branch in the middle of December.

Not.

Letting.

Go.

I don’t know where I’m going with this blog today, but letting go? Seems hard. But, fighting everyday to keep what youth I have seems even harder. I’m back at that familiar place again, the familiar place where I say. “I need to reinvent myself” But, how many fuggen times do we, as women, reinvent ourselves because what worked in our past doesn’t work any more.

So. Many. Times.

Chinese medicine looks at menopause as if a part of ourself has to leave in order for a better part of ourself to come in and develop (or something like this). This is comforting. I can be ok with something better developing inside me after this finishes.

But, I am you guys, I’m grieving. I want time to stop AND hurry up at the same time. I want it to be over as fast as it’s begun. It’s happening automatically I can’t stop it, nor do I think I should stifle how I feel about it. I think anything we stifle, anything we don’t process and take a minute to sob about from time to time, will just come back and haunt us.

I’m not sure what this season is going to look like or be like, but maybe the size of the patch determines the length of the season I’m in. This patch is small, almost unnoticeable to anyone else, and changes every few days.

Maybe that’s how I’ll go through this process. Maybe it will be a small blip of time, almost unnoticeable to others, as I keep changing every few days.

Special Thank You To: Dr. Morgan Todd, Dr. Margaret McElroy, and Dr. Jennifer Upchurch. These western medicine doctors have been patient, great listeners, and extremely helpful. Jessica Hollamen of Wilmington Acupuncture Clinic for Eastern Medicine Therapy with a sound voice and treatments that absolutely relax my NS.

Side Note: “Wallah” never gets old Scott Devine.